Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Insecurities are normal, but shouldn't define you

i sincerely hated how i looked here.
oh the glasses
As young girl I had the normal insecurities. Bit of course like most I was most embarrassed of my weight. I think biggest reason that I new to even be self conscious about it was because my parents were hard on themselves. As I expressed my  insecurities to my mother she got involved by letting me use things like spanks and other body shapers when I would wear certain clothes, encouraged me to eat better, and to try to work out. All of these things I am positive were fully out of love but they just made me feel worse about myself. 

 I did become more health conscious as I got in to high school and was in cheer leading. I was always one of the "larger" girls on the team but was able to use my flexibility and strength in my favor. However always being one of the biggest never made me feel good about myself especially when the girls much smaller than me would complain about their weight. 
my cheer days
The time I loved my body most


Thankfully I have been able to learn to love myself and my body for what it is. My hips are large and after having a babe I now have a little tummy. But I love myself more now than when I was at my thinnest. In fact when I was my largest, aka pregnant, I think I felt the very best about myself. Yeah I know that I could lose some weight to be healthier, but I also have come to realize that no matter how thin I am I have curves.

She's my reason for everything that I do
One of my new years resolutions was to become more active. My biggest reason for this really isn't so that I can lose weight, however it would be a nice benefit, is mostly because I want my little girl to live an active life style as well. To know that it is good to be out not on the couch and to live yourself. I am not perfect in thinking that I am constantly a hot momma. I have my days when I feel down on myself. I just hope that I can not say my insecurities so much to my children to make them turn in to their own... If that makes any sense

Sunday, January 12, 2014

For the kids

Today I have Been reflecting on a rather dark period in my life. Not that I did anything bad or wrong but it was just very depressing. When I was 16 on the first day or school for my junior year, I found out that my parents were divorcing.... Great first day of school huh? I don't need to go in to the details but I became very depressed and honestly didn't know why. I had great friends, parents who loved me, was on an amazing cheer team (yeah I was a cheerleader,) but I was just so deeply sad. After some counseling I realized that even with all of the good in my life I still had some big reasons to be feeling off.
Thankfully I was able to get myself sorted, and also thankfully I stayed a good girl who didn't make any stupid mistakes. I am who I am today because of all that I went through and am much stronger for it.
The reason I have reflected on these hard memories is because a family member has decided to get a divorce. I'm sure both sides are at fault. And honestly no matter what either one has done to each other it won't stop my love for the both of them. Yes it might taint my opinion but I love both of them without end. They have a couple children and right now all I can is think about them. It physically pains me to think about what those sweet children are going through because I know almost exactly what they are going through. I just want the best for them and I love them so much.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Sick, miserable, and tired, but still pretty awesome

This week has been hard. It started off pretty normal. normal baby, normal job, normal health. And then Wednesday came and my baby was sick. Fever, throwing up *that might have been self induced though from crying so hard,* teething, a cold...the whole bit. But as is the life of a parent you take care of them, stay up at night for them, and go on with your routine. In the back of my head, or should I say throat, I could feel the twinge of something coming for me. I ignored it though in true parent fashion hoping it would just go away if I ignored it. It didn't go away. I woke up that next morning more exhausted than I had been since the last time I got sick. so I spent the next day trying to get myself some rest, while taking care of a still very sick baby. in other words I didn't get any rest. by Friday I was still spent. I sent a text to my supervisor at work and let her know I wouldn't be in. after waking up two hours after I usually wake up I was feeling a bit more rested took a Dayquil and decided that maybe I could just go to work late that way I wouldn't have to spend my entire Saturday at work trying to do catch up. right now i am so thankful that i did go.
it was one of the hardest days I have had at work in a long time. and that says something. not in the fact that anyone was particularly mean or rude that I talked to (which is a miracle by itself because my job is known for having to talk to really rude people at times) but it was so long and I felt like I was going to die from still being sick.  but  it put things in perspective for me. as I was working I chatted with one of my coworkers and complained that it was the first time that I had been at work past 2 pm in over a year (besides a short training period but i don't count that for some reason.)  then i thought about it and it just seemed crazy to say because before becoming a mom I would stay at work making up my time for sometimes 11+ hours in one day, and for some reason this 8 hour day felt harder to me. that was when I realized how good I have it. Yeah, I have always known how blessed I am with my job situation but it really hit me then. since emery was born I have been given the opportunity to work for only 6.5 hours per day which allows me to work less and still get the benefits of a completely full time worker, AND i get off work at 12:30 almost daily. I was given the chance to see what it is like to be a " normal" working mom and not to be able to see my daughter until after 5 pm which killed me. it is well known that emery is sort of an obsession of mine, not in a creepy way just in a normal I'm her mother way. I feel that i have just been taking for granted the fact that i get to spend an ample amount of time with my daughter that most women really don't get to do and I hope that I don't forget it.
thankfully i was able to be home in time to enjoy one of my proudest mommy moments so far. emery said her first sentence. so here's the back story. she was in her high chair eating some gold fish and sipping some water as my father in law went in to the pantry and got himself a gummy snack. as he passed by she blurted out as clear as day "BAPA!," which she has never really even tried to address him with a verbal word, and it was pretty darn close to grandpa. she then pointed to the gummies in his hand signed for eat, signed for please, and then nodded. so if you put that all together in a sentence she said "Grandpa! I want your gummy to eat please....yes" OK, well she didn't really use more than one word, 2 esl signs, and one obvious gesture but i swear to you anyone watching her would have understood what she wanted. we started teaching her some basic signs when she was about 6 months. mostly because i think it is adorable when kids sign/say please, and because the baby Einstein signing video that we got as a gift is the only thing she will sit still and watch for more than negative two seconds. (PS thank you LeComte girls for the awesome gift!!!!!) we haven't been too consistent at it but apparently she has been understanding it because for the last few months she has been very good at saying please, food, milk, all done, and more....like i said its not a lot, but its more than I thought she would have picked up on since we haven't been too avid at trying to teach her. kids really do pay more attention to what is going on around them than we give them credit to. she has also been saying more words. so far she says dada, mamma (when she's sad mostly,) thank you, please, nana aka banana and probably some more but I'm having a brain fart right now. giddy doesn't even come close to explain how I had felt in that moment when she used gestures, ESL, and a fairly real word all at the same time. at the same time a part of me wants to discredit what she did because in all reality it could have just been an accident and she doesn't realize what an awesome thing it is that she did, but I'm not going to. for now i am just going to toot my child's little tiny horn because i think she is awesome.
That being said I wore myself out so hard from working yesterday, and i didn't even mention my almost complete lack of sleep that I didn't go in to work today as i had promised myself i would do. but it was good for me to actually be able to take the time to relax and start to feel better.